2nd Place Trophy.

Second Child. Second Pick. Second Thought. Second Girl. Second Friend. Second Place. Middle Child. Middle Option. Middle Feelings. Middle Wants. Middle One.

I remember being so proud of second place. I remember wanting to be in second place because it just fit me so perfectly. Maybe cause I'm kismet to always being in second, maybe because I just was never good enough, maybe because at least I was this close- at least I wasn't last, maybe because I at least had a chance even if it was ripped from my grasp, maybe it was because I didn't even know my worth even then.

Back then second place was what I asked for. Back then I didn't know how shitty it was being in second place. Having your fate always make you be in second, never being good enough for anything or anyone, having to witness so closely someone else live your dream, getting a small slither of hope only to have it taken from you, not being worthy to be the winner. the first pick. the first option. the first thought.

Thinking back to my life I've never been first. No one has ever wanted me first. No one has ever thought of me first. No one had ever since me as their first friend. No one had ever since me as a first option. No one has ever looked at me and said "that's what I want, she's my first pick- she's my winner."

I think a long time ago I just accepted it. I think I started to pretend like I didn't notice it- pretend like it didn't bother me at all. I distanced myself from everyone and everything, I got good at being alone, I preferred to be alone, I was happy alone, I was content being alone. So at least I know I always have myself then anything else, I can rely on myself when I can't rely on anyone else.

I'd really love to be someone's first pick. I'd love to win for once- to bask in the glory of being chosen above all else and never doubt my position, to know I earn this and I deserve this and this is what makes me happy. I wish one day I am the winner, I wish one day I do get to feel this way, I wish I was someone's first.

So what do I do? Stay and settle for second place or leave and hope I get first place somewhere else? Even though I wouldn't even pick myself first, so how can I expect anyone else to pick me first? How can I be a winner to someone else if I'm not even a winner to myself? I'm simply second place..

Hey- at least I get a trophy?