A Fool.

Sometimes in life you really are just a fool.

I think too much, I feel too much, I know too much, I hurt too much, I dream too much, I get lost too much, I hide too much, I settle too much.

I wish I didn't but reality is I do and reality is I can't just keep talking about it and not acting on it and doing something about it. I have, but mostly I'm all bark and no bite. I need to really push myself to better myself, I can't be fine with being content, I need to be the best me I can be.

All my life I've been chasing a dream- a dream to be happy and fulfilled in life. At times I think I achieve that dream and at times I do, but the thing about time is things always change with time. I know things change, I change, my environment changes, my people changes, I think that's the thing I understand the most that nothing will ever stay but that's also the very thing I can't ever seem to grasp.

There will be times I will be chasing my past because I was happy and fulfilled then, I was content, it was great. I know I've been chasing my past for a whole year before all these massive changes came around, every single change from boy to boy, to place to place, to mindset to mindset I think I'm growing and I am but I also know deep down I have always been chasing that life from my past before anything ever happened. Before when I was just me and life was content, I wasn't overly happy or overly sad, I was just there and it was great- for the time that it was.

I can't always chase my past when things don't go my way, I can't look back and think if only I get back to how it was then then I'd be happy. Because, really, I don't remember the last time I was really happy, and yeah I am happy I am really happy these days and I love having a good day and being so happy that day but I know outside of that altogether I'm not happy. 

I'm not happy with a lot, I'm not happy with who I am, I'm not happy with how my life is, I'm not happy with the things I do, I'm not happy. And, that is perfectly okay. It is perfectly okay for me to not be happy- for me to not have my life together right now. But it's not okay for me to be chasing a past that doesn't exist anymore. I don't live there anymore, I don't act like that anymore, I'm not that same girl anymore, I'm not fine with a content life, I'm not happy with that past.

So, yes, I've been a fool. But that is also okay, we all have our foolish times and I will continue to have them but it's nice to know how to get my life in order and to work towards it, it's nice to stop talking about it and actually working towards it, it's nice to be excited because my life hasn't begun yet and I have so much time to get it together before my life begins.

I don't need to chase my past, I don't need to stress about the present, all I need to be is excited for the future. But I'm not waiting for it, I'm working towards it, bracing myself for everything to come, even my own foolishness because I'm a fool.