Forever In Memory.

"He Passed."

Those words will never leave my head, I will never forget how they sounded, how it rushed to my head and my mind scrambled to make sense of it, how my chest began to fill with ache and pain, how my voice began to crack as I asked when, how I tried to stay composed as I rushed to end the call as that was the last place I could be then.

I have so many questions that I cannot ask, so many thoughts that began to web themselves in my mind, so many theories of what could've been. Never will I get a straight answer, never will I make sense of it and never will I forget.

All I can do now is try to accept it. It'll be hard and it'll take awhile. This is all so unfamiliar to me, I knew this was a process of life that happened but I never really gave it any thought, I didn't think it much, didn't see it as important, honestly sometimes I never even really comprehended that it was a real concept; losing someone so important- one moment they are there and the next they are gone and having to navigate life after that.

Honestly never would I think I would have to experience it this early in life sometimes I was even in denial that I'd experience it at all- Life sometimes didn't feel real, it felt like everything was made for me and if that was the case then how could anything truly bad happen to me? Yes, horrible things have happened to me, a lot of horrible things happened to me. But none of it hurt as much as it did to lose him, none of it seems anywhere near important to me as losing him feels right now.

That in itself is a terrible thing to say and a terrible way to think. "I'll never lose anyone really because I'm better then everyone else." and I don't really think that way. Death is just something I didn't understand then and even still now, I never really thought about it much because it hadn't touched me personally so I never knew the effects that it had. Until now.

It really just comes out of nowhere and hits you. It hit me like a boulder and the next thing I know I was filled with despair, regret, anger, confusion. My mind reached for what possibly could have gone wrong? What possibly could I have done? Could I have done anything? Was any little thing I did or could've done had such a strong enough impact that I could've prevented this or somehow encouraged it unknowingly?

I wonder what you felt in your last moments; What were your last actions? What were your last words? What were your last thoughts? Did I ever pass your mind? Did anyone? Or were you too lost, too broken, too desperate for peace that your mind was filled with finding a solution?

I still don't want to believe it- I refuse to. You mean so much to me, I care about you so much, I'm not ready for you to just simply be gone.. I need you here. Call me selfish but I needed you, now how do I go on without you? How do I live knowing I'm leaving you behind? How do I carry you with me? Part of me hopes this is some sick game, some fuckery that life has thrown at me for some reason and one day I'll hear from you or one day I'll see sign of life from you and I'll be happy.

Happy that your alive even if I'll never speak to you again, because the world feels so empty without you and if I have to sacrifice my relationship with you to have you in this world I'd do so a million times over. I'd give anything to bring you back, do anything to bring you back, I'd give my life for yours knowing you are so much worth it to the world than I am.

People will say that's fucked. All I've heard from people is "You have to appreciate life now that's what they'd want!" well, fuck you, I don't believe that. I do believe he'd want me to be happy, he'd want me to make jokes and be lighthearted to get past these hard times, he wouldn't want me upset and wouldn't want to hold me back in life.

But he doesn't get a say in how I treat myself, how I handle this, how much I care for my own life especially after he showed so little care for his own- he'd be a hypocrite. Why do I have to stay and live and appreciate life? Why when he could've done so, but he didn't, he gave up on himself, he gave up on me, he gave up on the world.

I don't think I'll ever forgive him for it. I don't think I'll forgive him for giving up, for not coming to me or anyone for help, for dealing with it all alone and in silence, for being so incredibly selfish, for silently leaving me without a word, for taking away my best friend, for dying. I didn't get to say goodbye. Didn't get a chance to stop him- to help him. 

That will forever be unfair, but ultimately his decision. I don't think I'll forgive him for it all, but maybe one day I'll understand where he was coming from, maybe one day I won't be so mad at him.

All I hope is that he's at peace. If the world was so cruel to him, if life was so hard, if he couldn't find even the littlest bit of peace in day to day I hope he has ultimate peace in the afterlife. I hope he's happy in heaven,  I hope he finally got what he wanted, I only wished he stayed with me a little longer.

Caden, you'll forever torment my mind, you'll forever live in my memory and in others, and I'll forever hold you in my heart. I love you Caden, I wish you could've heard me say that to you at least once. I hope you rest in peace my homegirl.💚