Hope.

Disclaimer- If you read this please do not speak to me about it, please.

I'll be honest, I do sometimes have a slither of hope- the tiniest bit that seems to be ever-growing sometimes. I have hope for many things, even though I know some are unrealistic and I shouldn't be hoping for these things, sometimes I don't even know why but I just am.

I have hope you care for me the way I care for you, I have hope you like me the way I like you, I have hope you think of me the way I think of you, I have hope you feel the same way I feel about you, I have hope that things are developing for you the way they are for me, I have hope we're experiencing the same things, I have hope you'll love me.

I shouldn't, I know that, but I do hope that sometimes. I don't know why maybe I just want to hear you say it once, maybe I just want to know the way those words sound coming from your lips, maybe I just want to know how I'd feel if you said it, maybe I want you to feel it so much you can't help but say it at least once, maybe I just miss hearing it, maybe I just miss someone loving me, or maybe I'm starting to like you too much.

I know I don't exactly love you now. I know that. But sometimes I get confused,  sometimes I really think I do or I might be falling in love with you. I know its strange, its strange for me as well, but I have to be honest sometimes I do think it and I'm not sure why.

Maybe its the way you make me feel- the butterflies I get when I'm around you sometimes, maybe its the way you stare at me and I get lost in your eyes sometimes, maybe its the way you care for me and know when something is wrong, maybe its the way you like me and shower me in affection, maybe its the way you call me beautiful and cute, maybe its the way you love my smile and my laugh, maybe its the way you act around me, maybe its how amazing you are. I don't know why I think that in those moments but I do even though I know I shouldn't. 

Maybe I'm reading into things too much but I've had the feeling you've been thinking the same as me- feeling the same as me maybe. But I can't help but have a slither of hope of you saying it to me at least once every time you go silent, every time you say my name, every time something happens- that one silent second I have hope for you to say it but you never do and you never will. And I understand that, I know you won't, I know why, I'm okay with it but why do I still hope for that one split second that you'll say it?

But now I've made a mistake. I've said it.. and you didn't say it back. I didn't entirely mean to say it, I was thinking but wasn't thinking at the same time. I had just woken up and wanted to say it even though I've held myself back for all the right reasons, I fucked up and said it. All my reasons for not saying it are still so valid and should've stopped me but I don't know why it didn't, I can blame a million different things but that doesn't take away from the point that I said it and you didn't. And that's okay.

Also, honestly speaking I wanted you to say it back, I think that's mostly why I said it because I wanted to see if you would and then when you didn't I still had that slither of hope that you would but eventually that hope turned into fear. I didn't want you to say it back, I was hoping and praying secretly in my head that you wouldn't, every time you went silent I was hoping you fell asleep so I could leave, every time you said my name I was full of fear that you would say it. I didn't want you to then and I don't want you to now, because I know you would only out of pity, obligation, guilt. I don't want that. I shouldn't have even said it then, maybe at all, but if we ever were to I want us to say it because we want to and no other motive.

So, ultimately I shouldn't have said it. It wasn't the time, maybe there never will be the time, maybe we never will love each other but now I don't know if there even will be a chance to maybe have a time because now I'm afraid you'll push me away because I'm breaking your one rule so now I'm pushing myself away, now I'm distancing myself out of fear and shame, now I don't know what'll happen. All I know is...

I said I love you and I don't know why- I don't wanna think about it.