Hypocrite.

Grief and Love.

Both such beautiful and somber things. Both things you can never truly understand. Both are two sides of the same coin. Both you will come face to face with at least once in your life.

I've had a lot of love in my life, although I still don't understand it completely- truly I don't believe anyone ever could. What is love really? Is it the feeling of your heart glowing in your chest, the weird sensation that seems nonstop, the urge and need to be with another, to make them happy and smile, to make their world shine brighter then yours? No one can define love but yourself, but I can tell you it feels awfully similar to another feeling.

I've never experienced grief before now, It feels like a whole new part of my world has opened up that I don't know how to navigate and no one has a handbook to tell you what to do. What is grief? Is it the feeling of your heart breaking in your chest, the hurt and pain that seems nonstop, the urge and need to be with them one more time, to turn back the clock to make them happy and smile, to make their world shine brighter before it dims? No one can experience this grief yourself, you are the only one who knows how it feels for you and the only one who knows how to deal with it.

I bet before this you never understood how those two could be so similar until then- I didn't- not until I felt them both and really noticed how big and confusing the world it is. How unfair and selfish the world can be at times. How you can think one thing but then completely say the other. How you can believe something and then go to act differently from that.

I'm still so mad at you- mad that you left. and still everyday I rack my mind with thoughts and questions of "why?" why did you leave? why did you do that to yourself? why didn't you say anything? why couldn't i have at least gotten a goodbye? Then I begin to think I failed you. I didn't provide you with a comfortable space to open up. I didn't mean that much to you so in your eyes I didn't deserve a goodbye.

But then the next second I think.. how can I join you? how can I be happy with you? I wouldn't say a word to a sole because I don't want them to stop me from being with you once more. I wouldn't say goodbye to anyone I didn't have to, wouldn't so they could never know or at least wouldn't know immediately.

So how can I question you or think those god awful things about you, how you felt, what you thought, and why you did what you did when I find myself thinking the very same things.

How can I call you selfish when the next second I'm telling myself I'm not brave enough to do what you did. I don't have the courage to take action for myself- not like you did. I'm too scared, too pathetic, too weak. 

So how can I be mad at you when I find myself mad at myself for not being able to do what you did.

There's A World - Jack Wolfe.