I don't know.

It's as if my heart was ripped out of my chest.

I never realized how much one sentence could do that to someone. But honestly, maybe it wasn't one sentence, maybe it was every word you spoke since, maybe it was every word you spoke before, maybe it was every action you took, maybe it was every action you didn't take, maybe it was all the little things before which led to it just taking a whisper for everything to shift. One little thing and everything is different, one little thing which turns out to be the biggest thing then anything before.

I felt empty before but never did I think that could get worse, never did I think there was a chance to feel even more empty, even more like nothing, even more worthless. I thought I knew things, I thought I knew everything, I prided myself on knowing because knowing is what keeps me grounded. But now I don't even know myself, I don't know today, I don't know tomorrow, I don't know what to think or feel, all I know is I feel wrong. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel out of place.

Was it all a lie? Was it all a game? Was it all a ruse? Was I blinded? Was I thinking too much of everything? Was it on purpose? Did you know what you were doing? Did I know what I was doing? Was anything even real.

I wish I could stop thinking. I wish I could brush it off as nothing, I wish I could pretend nothing has changed. Yet it feels like nothing is the same, it feels like my world as I knew it is gone. I never knew I could feel like that again. I never even knew I had a world that could be taken from me. I never even knew you gave me a world.

Maybe I'm thinking too much again, Maybe I'll wake up one day and it'll all be better again, Maybe you'll say one more thing and it'll take everything I've been confused about out the window, Maybe one day I'll be sure again, Maybe I'll be whole again.

I wish it were that simple, that easy. I wish I could be enough for you to love and to want. I wish I could just love you and that be enough. I wish a million different things. But it's not that simple. It's not that easy. The only easy thing was the words you said and feeling my heart be ripped out of my chest without knowing why it did that. 

Why does it feel like that? What's wrong with me? What is even real?