If..

"If only"

If only what? If only I had short hair instead of long? If only I had coloured eyes instead of dark? If only I was taller? If only I was older or younger? If only I lived somewhere else? If only I spoke differently? If only I acted differently? If only I looked different? If only I were an entirely different person- then, you'd like me, you'd pick me, you'd choose me.

It's always the same thing. "You're amazing, you're beautiful, you're perfect, I want you- but, if only." Trust me, I'm used to it by now, I get it, I understand. If only I were someone else, if only one thing about me were different, if only everything about me were different, if only I was who you wanted. Then, I'd have a chance, but for now I'm what you got.

Sure, I believe I'm liked, I believe they mean it when they say I'm beautiful or pretty, I believe it when they say I'm funny and amazing, I believe all their words. Because in one way or another it's true- it's real, but at the very same time I'm just something. I'm something that dropped in your lap, I'm something that's made you feel good when you haven't in awhile, I'm something that'll do anything to please you, I'm something that really likes you- therefore you like me back, therefore I'm the something.

But looking outside of that there's always something else. An "If only" and frankly I'm tired of if only's, I want to there to be no but, no if only, no nothing. I want to be liked and I want that to be it, I want someone to want me with no but's, I want to not second guess myself or doubt myself, I want to be confident that there's nothing else.

If only means I'm not it. If only means sure you like me but you'd never be with me, there's never a chance, don't even hope, don't even think any differently, you're just something right now and that's it. I'm tired of it, don't say you like me in one sentence and say "If only" in the next, that's basically shooting me down, basically telling me that's that. And hell, maybe that is that, maybe I shouldn't even think any more then that, maybe I shouldn't even imagine anything different and be happy for a second, I should just take what's given to me and let it be that.

But is it possible to not be an if only? is it possible that I'm enough? is it possible that I won't have to worry about the other shoe dropping? is it possible that I could be that to someone? I don't know, maybe everyone has "if only's" about everyone, but only the right person will be willing to work through that, wait for that to chance, compromise in a way. I know it's not always possible, sometimes things aren't right or it isn't the right time but maybe one day there will be a person willing to try.

Because frankly all these "if only's" are getting to me and I know one of these days it'll break my heart- if it hasn't already started breaking.