I'm not ready.

I've always thought about seeing you again, only because you arrived and disappeared in a second. You were the most unexpected and strangest thing to have ever happened to me and it all happened in a blink- we never got to experience anything and we never will. 

But I've always thought about seeing you again not because I want to rekindle things- I've moved on as have you- but because I care about you and I want to see how life has treated you so far, catchup, see if we've achieved our biggest dreams, discover what has changed and then we can finally say goodbye.

But I never thought it would actually happen? I never thought I'd see you again, and now that it might actually happen. I might see you again, I might talk to you again, I'm not sure I want to.

Seeing you again means I've grown up, seeing you again would tell me exactly how many years have passed since I last saw you, seeing you again would mean I would have had to change and better myself and I fear I haven't?

Well yes, I have, but no in the way I'd liked, not in the way I would've imagined where I would be all those years ago, not in the way I've always dreamed. And thinking about the fact that this signifies growing up, moving on, closing this chapter of my life, saying goodbye to  my childhood and moving on to bigger and better things, saying hello to the great big world? That terrifies me to say the least.

I fear I'm not ready, I'm not ready to move on, I'm not ready to grow up, I'm not ready to close this chapter, I'm not ready to experience the world yet, I'm not ready to see you again. Although these very things are exactly what I've been waiting for seemingly my whole life, I'm not ready.

I'm terrified.

Party 4 u - Charli xcx