Like me. Love me.

Why can't anyone like me? Why can't I be loved? Sure, I've had boyfriends, I've had really good friends, but none of them really liked me. They liked the idea of me, persona of me, the me only I allow them to see, no one ever likes me for me. And I've had people love me- I've been loved, I've been hurt, I've been happy, I've been broken, but that's them thinking they loved me.

"You're a girl, any guy would want to get in them pants" "You're just noises and a pretty face" "I really like you" "Your eyes are gorgeous" "I love your lips" "You just gonna fuck guys to get over it?" "Oh my god you're so hot" "You're easy" "You belong to me" "You're mine" "Say my name" "I love you."

I've heard it all and some.

I can get bare minimum treatment from one guy and the best fucking treatment in the world from another but still no matter who they are, what they give, what they want from me, how much they care, how much they love me, how much they say they'll willing to do to keep me, how much they'll change- none of it is ever real.

I've had a guy use me every time he broke up with a girl, I've had a guy fall in love with me at first sight and we still talk years later, I've had a guy leave me to be with another girl, I've had a guy want to be with me but choose himself over me, I've had a guy use me for a month until he said he was done with me, I've had a guy willing to change his entire self just for me, I've had a guy call me his exes name, I've had a guy drop anything to help me, I've had a guy who picked porn over me. I've had really good and I've had really bad and no matter how different they all are in one way they are all similar- never loved me for me, never liked me for me.

But, this isn't just about relationships. I've had friends who never liked me for me, never loved me for me, I've never truly been anyone's number one. Sure, they may have truly believed that in the moment but I knew it wasn't true, in the moment I loved it but always in the back of my mind I knew it was never true. I was never their number one, I didn't deserve that place it belonged to another person I was just lucky enough to have the opportunity for a second and I fucking cherished that second but damn did it felt so strange, it felt undeserving, it felt like I was an alien in a foreign land, I was pretending to be someone I'm not and it fucking sucks that when I look back at the good between my friends and lovers that good was never for me.

It was for someone else- someone I'm not. I wanna be liked but I'm unlikeable, I wanna be loved but I'm unlovable, I wanna be me but I can't because underneath all my identities who am I? 

Do I even like myself? Do I even love myself? Hell, I even consider myself just a pretty face at times- maybe that's all I am. Nothing more then a body, a face, an attraction- a mediocre one at that. Maybe I don't deserve to be anything more then a sack of flesh, maybe that's who I am, maybe that's all I'm meant to be. 

Fuck, why can't I be liked or loved?

[ inspired by someone who I thought was a new friend turn out to not care ]