Love?

I love how well we get along, I love how good we click, I love how we instantly connect, I love how we just get each other, I love how we have the same humor, I love how we strangely think the same on so many things, I love how we just mesh, I love how we are so similar in so many ways, I love your eyes, I love your smile, I love how sweet you are, I love how considerate you are, I love how much you care, I love how you reassure me, I love how you make everything better, I love how you're always there for me, I love..

I'm taking the time to really appreciate you, you've done a lot for me it's only fair I repay it tenfold. You have been a wonderful surprise, a wonderful gift that's fallen into my lap at what could be considered the worst or most opportune time. You've constantly been there for me time and time again and that means a lot to me, you've heard every little bullshit thing that's gone wrong in my life and you don't push me away you welcome me with open arms. 

I was scared to tell you about my ex at first but I was surprised at how understanding you were, how understanding you have been through this entire process, you get me, you understand me, you're there for me and it means a lot to me. I wouldn't have been able to get through all this without you.

I would've completely crumbled if it wasn't for you. The throwing up wouldn't have stopped, the anxiety wouldn't have gone away, the crying wouldn't have stopped, the feeling of suffocating wouldn't have gone away, the shaking wouldn't have stopped, the fears in my head wouldn't have gone away, the lack of confidence would still be so evident, I would've taken a lot longer to get to where I am now and although I am still working on things myself it helps a lot that you're always there for support if I need you although I try not to lean on you so much. 

You've always been there for me and you've helped me shine again, you showed me how to be happy but you made sure I was being happy on my own, you pushed me to be a better version of me, you've pushed me to face challenges head on, you encourage me to stand up for myself and tell me when I'm being stupid, you also never leave no matter what.

I know I can be a lot and at times I can be not enough, I've already been a lot for you and I know there's places where I'm not enough for you, I feel bad. I've encouraged you to seek someone else, leave me be, go off on your own but no- you always stay for me.  You're so understanding and you take things at my level and my pace, you don't ever push me pass my limits, you find solutions for everything, you acknowledge and apologize for all your wrongdoings, you understand my hesitation and the guilt I feel, you understand everything that I'm going through and never leave. why? because you really like me.

Our relationship is extremely strange- our sole purpose for each other is to not be a burden, to make each other happy, to be the light in each others lives, but that's all we are. never to be more than that, never to date, never to consider seriously, never to be anything more then simply a feeling. You are just a feeling to me, a feeling of happiness and you will be that until we one day decide to stop or you find another you want to pursue or I find another I want to pursue, I am not stopping you from going out and finding happiness with someone else and neither are you me. 

But, there's a lot I love about you, I've even accidentally almost said those words to you because I've gotten so used to saying them I confuse you for something you're not. I've almost said them casually, almost said them jokingly, almost said them romantically- but, I don't say it and I never will because every time we talk your one request is in the back of my head.

"Do me a favor, please don't fall in love with me"

So I won't. I shouldn't. I can't. 

Therefore those three words will never be spoken between the two of us.

[ Inspired by my friend constantly being there for me. ]