Love, Love, Love.

Love.

Something I personally never thought I'd feel again for a long time. But, knowing me of course that wouldn't be true. I'm someone who loves a lot and loves so passionately, I'm not afraid of getting hurt I know you can't have happiness without a little pain, you can't have love without a little heartbreak, you can't have good without the bad. 

I've always had this mindset and I've always and will always be open to anything and everything, I'll get hurt a million times and still give chances because the best things can come in the scariest packages. Although you shouldn't take that mindset for granted- yes, I am very open-minded and welcoming to anyone and anything but I will not stand for such harsh pain, such terrible hurt, such horrible treatment.

I used to think any amount of pain and any level of pain was worth happiness and love and I will just settle and deal with it. I would stay with a cheater, I would keep returning to the ones who hurt me so much, I never left when they manipulated me into staying, I didn't leave when my heart wasn't in it anymore. I would just deal with it all, I would stay despite how they treated me, I settled for this bare minimum happiness because I never thought anyone would love me that way- never knowing that love wasn't healthy.

Yes, that love was good, they loved me a lot, cared for me a lot, treated me fairly good- better then anyone had before but I was blind to all these things that felt and looked good that I never looked past that and saw all the negative. Once I really started to open my eyes and see all of that though honestly I felt trapped, I felt like I was too stuck into it, I felt like it was too late to leave and that if I did I would be saying goodbye to the best thing that's ever happened to me. 

I knew that couldn't be true, I knew there had to be more, there had to be better. There's no way love felt like this? There's no way I had to settle for this happiness? There's no way everyday had to look like this? I felt suffocated. I felt mistreated. I felt guilty. I felt wrong. This didn't feel as good as it's been made out to be, this didn't feel good as I was told, this didn't feel good as it used to be- it didn't feel right.

Despite all that fear of leaving though I finally did and that felt right. I still felt bad, I felt guilty, I felt wrong but I felt all those things because that decision felt so good. How could leaving feel that good? How was leaving the right thing to do when that had been my happiness for so long? How did it feel so freeing to finally say "it's over"?

I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I believe it now, I believe fully in my decision. I will admit I was loved, I was happy, I was cared for, I was treated good- but, it was over. I was loved and then I wasn't, I was happy and then I wasn't, I was cared for and then I suffocated, I was treated good and then I was treated unfairly. Time had just passed, time had changed us, time had changed me.

After I didn't feel deserving of love, I didn't feel deserving of care, I never thought I would feel those things again but I was happy I got to feel it at least once. I was so afraid of leaving because I thought that was the best I would get and that I would never get those things again but finally I left because that felt better then those things and I would rather leave happily then to settle and I didn't care if I never felt those things again or if I didn't deserve those things again.

But my gosh that is not true. You are always deserving of love and care and happiness, you will always find love and care and happiness, it will always get better. So don't ever be afraid to leave if your heart isn't in it, don't be afraid to leave if your being mistreated, don't be afraid to say goodbye even if you love that person wholeheartedly, don't be afraid to walk away even if you care for them. Put yourself first, walk away for yourself, leave for your health, your good on your own and you won't be alone forever.

I know because I found love where it wasn't supposed to be- right in front of me.

Thank you for being there for me M and thank you for loving me. I love you.