Replacement.

I've always wondered how different life would be if we were together. Would life be better and bright and good? Would life be worse and dark and horrible? Could we survive our darkest moments knowing we had each other? Or would we still never be enough for the other? Is there anything we could've done to salvage this relationship between us or was it always destined to be nothing more than it is now? I like to think I could've done more and you would've loved me truly but also you could've done more and I could've loved you truly but maybe neither of us tried.

I never talk about you that much, no one truly knows how I feel about you. Hell, sometimes I don't even know how I feel about you but I do know I feel so many different things about you. I love you and miss you on some days and I hate you and wish I never knew you on others. I hate that I know you so well so personally well but at the same time I love that I know you so personally well because I can understand you better but having this understanding about you is torture because it makes me know way too much.

I'm so jealous, so envious, so mad all the time. I hate seeing others have the relationship we never could've had- I hate it because I want it so bad. I hate seeing people take that for granted knowing I would give anything for it. I hate seeing people who also don't have that relationship and it kills me because I know how they feel. I hate that I want it, hate that I'd give anything for it, hate that I fantasize about it sometimes, hate that I still hope there's a chance.

I hate that I'm forced a replacement of you, I pretend that I secretly want a replacement of you hoping I could have that relationship with them that I never had with you but I actually hate it with my guts. I don't want another, I don't want a replacement, I don't want a substitute I want all of this with you. Why couldn't we have that relationship together? Why couldn't we be good and happy? We were once why couldn't that have lasted? Why didn't we try? 

I hate thinking that you found a replacement of me. I know you have a new life now, you've surrounded yourself with new people- more bad people. I wish you met good people and tried your hardest to have a good life, I wish you could have everything I dream of for you, I wish you could be healthy and happy, I wish we could've had a good life together. But no, you're still continuing the cycle of a bad life, still doing all those unhealthy habits, still finding others and leaving them as if they were nothing. I'm scared you've replaced me, I really don't want you to have that life I dream of with another, why couldn't I have been enough?

Why couldn't you be here for me? Why can't you care for me like I care for you? Why can't you love me like I want to love you? Why can't you be like all the others? Why can't you be good? Why can't you try? Why do you have to leave and forget about me? Do you ever even think about me? Do you miss me? Do you ever think of coming back?

All I want is a hug. Hug me and never let me go, say everything will be okay, tell me I can get through anything, tell me you're there for me and you'll never leave me again, say you care for me, say you love me. Just give me a hug and hold me tight, please dad.

Please be a dad- be a father. Come back and give me that, give me that fatherly love, give me that father-daughter bond that we once had. I miss your care, I miss your jokes, I miss your love, I miss knowing you were there for me, I miss your protection, I miss you so much it hurts. I hate that I miss you, I hate that I cry for you, I hate you.

Now I don't think I'm deserving of that love and care- I don't think I was ever good enough to have that in my life. Not another man to be a stand-in father when you are supposed to be my father, not one of my brothers to be my ride or die when that's supposed to be you, not another man to give me protection and love when you're supposed to do that. I don't feel good enough for that, I don't think I deserve any of it, not when you couldn't be there and give me all that when you are the one whose supposed to give me all this and I wasn't even good enough for you.

I miss you dad. I love you dad. I think of you dad. I want us to be good again dad. I want us to be happy again dad. I want us to joke around again dad. I want us to hangout again dad. I want us to talk again dad. I want my dad. Why don't you want your daughter? Why don't you miss me enough to come back? Why don't you love me enough to never leave? Why don't you think of me and check in?

You may have left my life. You may no longer be my dad. I may never have the chance to have that kind of relationship I crave so much but I will keep hoping for that relationship- not for myself. Not after I don't feel good enough, not after I don't feel deserving, not after I'm still waiting for you. I will hope for my children, I will make sure they have that, I know what its like to not have a dad so I will make sure they have a damn good one. So they don't have to live with the broken heart that I carry with me my whole life- the one that you broke dad.

Temporary - Eminem, Skylar Grey.