Trust & Confidence.

I tend to crave security as does most people. We want stability and trust, we want to not have to doubt everything we've ever known, we want a net to catch us in case we fall, we want to not be afraid of anything knowing we are safe.

As a result in that I tend to trust in the wrong ways. I don't trust when I should, if anything I doubt when I shouldn't and I trust when I shouldn't only to have that prove me wrong over and over again. I don't trust in other peoples actions or words, I don't trust in the world, I don't trust in myself. I have no confidence in which that I deserve the things I have, I have no confidence in myself or others around me.

That's no way to live. It's not only harming to yourself but to the people around you. I find myself racked with more and more anxiety everyday. I feel like the world is going to come crashing down any second, I feel like the one's I cherish most are going to slip out of my fingertips in a moments grasp, I feel like the one's I trust most are going to betray me and stab me in the back. That's no way to live.

I need to learn to trust, but also to learn to give people time to earn my trust. I can't just give any person I love and care for my trust- they need to earn it. Earn the privilege to be the one I can count on, the one I can lean on, the one that I can believe will be there in my darkest moments so I don't have doubt in their ability- so that I don't give myself a chance to be hurt and let down. Because by then they will have proven to me with their actions and words that they can be there for me when I need them.

I need to learn to trust in others, build confidence in myself that I am worthy of these things. I am worthy of a happy life, I am worthy to not have bad things happen to me, I am worthy of a good man and good friends, I am good enough. The people by my side are they because they want to be, they trust in me, they believe in me, they love me. They have confidence in me and the fact that I am good enough, so why can't I have that same confidence?

I crave security and stability. Not only with others but with myself, I want to be able to trust and have confidence in myself that I can handle the dark moments myself. So that I can learn that I don't have to handle it myself, I can learn to trust others and be confident in them that they only seek the best for me. No one is out to get me, No one is going to hurt me, No one wants to see my world crash and burn.

I know bad things happen. I know people can't always be there for me. I know not everyone has all the answers. But, knowing these things doesn't mean I should be afraid of them, I shouldn't always have my walls up on guard because I'm deathly afraid of the dangers of the world. I know I'm safe, I can handle it, I've dealt with worse. So what's the problem with having confidence that I'm fine, what's the problem with having the trust to give someone my heart fully.

Trust in myself and others. Be confident in myself and others. So that my heart and mind can fully align. So that my heart isn't all in and my mind always have one foot out the door. Learn to be all in, trust is a gamble, be confident in your hand.