The Demons Keeping Me Awake.

Nightmares.

Common, everyone gets them time to time. Some very rarely, some every night, some have their nightmares during the day. It's a part of life, to be scared, to fear, to have something clawing at your mind, something to knock you back down and tell you that you are not the strongest thing in the world there will always be something to overpower you.

Whether that be the mind, the body, or an outside source. We have all have demons that keep us awake at night, we all have a deadly dark secret that humbles us, that keeps us afraid, that changes who you are as a person. What is yours? What is mine?

I could tell you numerous things that could be my demons. Could it have been my troubled childhood? My abusive father? Could it be those haunting memories of beatings as a child? The screaming and yelling through the walls while I hide in my room? The sirens outside of my house whilst I'm playing with my brothers? The blood and bruises and hospital visits I've seen others endure? Could it be all the things I'm still remembering and discovering to this day?

I could tell you I'm still that pathetic scared little girl whether I'm yelled at, whenever I catch a hint of anger from a man, whenever I have to speak up to a man, whenever I hear a loud noise in my house. I could tell you those are the demons that keep me up, that is why I'm broken in the way I am. It all chalks down to daddy issues, it all chalks up to me being jealous of having two parents, it all chalks up to crying at night because I miss dear old dad, it all chalks up to loving him so dearly to hating his guts.

But, I could also tell you it's not all that bad. I've seen him injury himself multiple a time due to being drunk or high all the time but I'll tell you I just got my clumsiness from him. I've seen him fight multiple people those friends and foe and I'll tell you it's where I get my passionate energy from. I could tell you he's ruined all my birthdays from now on because he was a monster that day and I could also remind you of all the times he's made me laugh. I'll shield you from the devasting and horrible things and tell you all the fond daddy and daughter memories because I want to paint him in a better light or because I refuse to think of all those bad things and still defend him to this day. Could that be my demon keeping me awake?

Maybe my demon could be something darker then that. Maybe it could be that horrible experience no women should ever have to endure- especially not a child, especially not from family, not with family in the house, not during a happy time, not at all.

Maybe he is my demon. Maybe the haunting memories from the feeling I got running into that room- my room. How clearly I remember his hands on my small body, where he touched, how he touched, how I couldn't rip his hands off, how I was so terrified all I could do was silently cry and whisper to let me go. Whispering and silently crying as if this was a secret no one should know about, as if me being too loud would get him in trouble and that would be the bad thing in that scenario, as if me standing up for myself in that moment would turn me into the bad guy.

Maybe it's because no matter when in life I'll still always have that experience clearly in my mind. I'll always have the fear, I'll always remember the room, I'll always remember the words we spoke, I'll always remember exactly where and how he touched me, I'll always remember how I thought "this is it", I'll always remember that day. But not the full day, I couldn't tell you what holiday it was, I couldn't tell you exactly who was there, I couldn't tell you what I was wearing, I couldn't tell you what we had done before or after that.

Maybe it's because I was quiet, I stayed silent, barely anyone knows, not the important people that should know, not the ones who could've and can still help me. No, I'll stay quiet when it comes to them, I wouldn't haunt them with the details of that day, especially when I know they won't believe me. Who would believe the voice of an 11 year old years later? Who would believe the girl who can barely remember yesterday and not the mature adult man? Who would take my word for it? Who would do anything about it? No one.

So maybe my demon is him because he's still in my life. I still have the fear everyday of seeing him again, of potentially going through that again but worse this time. Maybe he's why I hide my body, why I'm terrified of public spaces because I know no matter how many people are around something terrible can still happen, why I'm scared of men especially those in my family.

Maybe those are my demons. Maybe there's more I'm still not ready to share to the world. Maybe these demons are impossible to get rid of. Either way, there's always something clawing at my mind, always something keeping me awake.