The Fallen.

I used to beg for something more, something meaningful in life, something to give me purpose. I'd beg for true happiness in return of getting true pain because I knew you couldn't have one without the other and I would take that in any dose over the plain ordinary limbo I had been stuck in for years.

Looking back I wonder if I made the right choice, because although I was never truly happy I wasn't absolutely horrible either. I just was.

And yes, all the happiness I did have was amazing- it was bliss- I loved it, cherished it, and everyday from now onto the next I miss it and wish I could return. Very shortly for a time in my life I felt like I was on top of the fucking world and it was wonderful. The view from up there was beautiful and I felt unstoppable, it was a life I had never lived before, I couldn't remember the last time I was that happy- it had to have been years.

But now, oh, how the mighty fall. Not only am I back in the same old ordinary state of limbo but I've tasted the beautiful sights I had only ever heard of in fairytales and books and movies. It was once a world that lived only in my imagination that now lives in my memories and I miss it, every second of every day- I miss it.

Now I see all those who I was once happy with going off and being better and happier.. without me. That's when I think to myself and wonder if it was all worth it? Because yes, i got a taste of true happiness but I also had to go through the pain of having it ripped away from me and now have to see so very closely and intimately how others enjoy that very same happiness I once did.

Maybe I just wasn't made out for that life. Maybe it was one I was never supposed to live. Maybe I had just gotten lucky and had a one in a life time experience. Maybe that's what I'm here and they are there.. 

Smiling on top of the mountain peak, enjoying the view, taking in the sights, and being happy as I watch from down below wishing they would've taken me with them.