The Problem.

If you asked why I don't like arguments I could chalk it up to a number of reasons. I could tell you it's because I grew up in a household full of fights and yelling and arguing, I could tell you it's because I'm scared of confrontation and would rather stay quiet, I could tell you it's because I'm not confident in myself, I could tell you it's because I just don't have that fight in me, I could tell you it's because I'm so drained I don't bother starting something I know I can't finish.

I could tell you anything. It can be anything, but really? I don't trust myself. Every time I speak up or I make a stand for myself or I'm actually upset about something it seems unreasonable, it seems wrong, it seems like I'm the bad guy in all of it. So I try to stray away from speaking up about those things, I'd rather be silently upset and not risk anything rather then announcing it to the world.

Because when I do it feels like the whole world has turned against me. Suddenly I'm wrong for having emotions, I'm wrong for having feelings, I'm wrong for being me. The moment I speak I can feel the whole world shift from that point, everyone's eyes are on me and I'm being looked at in disgust- hell I'm looking at myself like I'm crazy.

After speaking up instead of feeling good like normally you should feel I feel regret and guilt. I feel like I have to go into damage control and fix everything that I've broken for no apparent reason, I completely forget all the emotions I had before because at that point they are unreasonable- they are wrong. So in turn I immediately try and take back everything I've said and everything I've felt as if that could change the world and not everything is against me again. I try to mend before the damage becomes too much for me to save, I try to heal the things I've hurt just by having feels.

I've tried telling myself it's normal to have emotions and feelings and to think the way I do. I try telling myself, yes I know what I'm feeling and thinking might be unreasonable but there's got to be a reason for it? And if there's a reason for it then surely it's okay for me to speak about, I can be open, I can communicate, I can make a stand for myself.

But after all that the whole world still turns against me. I feel targeted anywhere whether I speak about how I'm feeling and thinking. I feel like the moment I speak up from my silence I have no one on my side- even myself. So how can I like arguments or confrontation or simply communicating my feelings when I feel like I'm not supposed to? I always think the best thing to do is stay quiet but even that feels wrong at times, so instead I distance myself because if I'm not apart of anything how can I turn the world against me?

All I think is everything I feel, think, know, am is unreasonable- unnatural- wrong. All I think now is that I'm the problem, but that couldn't be right.... right?