What is it?

I'll admit. It's hard not to overthink a lot. Trust me, I know it's fucking exhausting, how do you think I feel about it? Constantly panicking? Constantly paranoid? Constantly questioning my every move? It's tiring. I'm tired.

I wish I wasn't this way, I wish things could be simple and easy, I wish I didn't second guess myself, I wish I could be confident in the way I am and the way I look, but how can I stop? How do I stop when that's all I ever know? How do I stop when it's second nature at this point? How do I stop?

I want to let go, I want to release myself of these constant worries, I want to relax and calm down, I want to feel safe and okay for even a second. I want that so badly. Sometimes- sometimes I do. But that never lasts, I always make one mistake that seems like it's the final mistake, that seems like it's the end of everything I've ever known. I don't know what it's like to make a simple mistake because every little thing I do wrong feels like that's it.

You want me to tell you what's wrong? I want to tell you, but how? How do I confidently tell you without feeling like a burden? Without feeling like a problem? Without feeling like a nuisance? How do I get comfortable opening up when I constantly have the fear I'll do it too much, I'll get too comfortable, I'll be too open and in turn that'll push you away.

I don't want to push you away, I don't want to push anyone away so that's why I constantly keep those at arms distance. That's a safe spot for you guys. You can't hurt me and I can't hurt you. So that's how I try to keep it- yeah I try.

Sometimes I forget the distance, I crave to pull you in, I want you close, I want to be comfortable, I want you to make me feel safe, I want to tell you every little thing about me without being scared. I want that so badly, I want to finally let go of all my worries, I want to be stress free, I want to not be worried about every little thing, I want you to reassure me about anything and let me melt in your arms. That's what I want.

But how? How can I tell you anything when that feels like the worse thing I can do. How can I tell you what's wrong? How can I tell you what I'm thinking? How can I tell you what I'm feeling? When that seems like the wrong thing to do, it seems like the bad choice, the bad decision. I stay quiet because that feels right, I hate it, but it feels right.

If I stay quiet, I can't hurt you, you can't hurt me. I can't be a burden, I can't be a problem, I can't be annoying, I can't be a bother. If I stay quiet, if I stay silent, if I deal with it on my own, if I just wait till the feeling passes, things will be better no? then you'll never have to know, you'll never have to worry about helping me, you'll never have to know how broken I really am, you'll never have to do anything. It'll be so easy for you.

If it's easy for you will you stay? If I'm not a problem will you stay a little longer? If I'm not annoying will you stay? If there's nothing you have to worry about would you stay with me? If I stayed quiet, if I stayed silent, if I never spoke up about anything, if I was perfect.. you would stay.

So how can I tell you anything? I want too, but how?