Wish I Was Happy.

I've always wondered how people could just leave not considering how broken everyone around them would be that they're gone. How sad they'll be, how miserable they'll be, how much they'll miss them. I always wondered how could they leave their family, their friends, their pet, their school, their work, their life behind.

But what I never really grasped was in those moments you truly don't think you have any impact on the world. Sure, everyone says that you mean something to the world, you mean something to somebody and that should keep you going. But to say that and to feel that are two very different things. And logically you can know, yes people love me and care for me, yes people will be sad- but for how long? how big of an impact do I actually hold to the world? Yes I mean something but is it enough to stay? Is it enough to prevent it?

And now I understand. I understand how you can feel that way, I understand how they can just up and leave, I understand it all.

I know there's people in my life, but I also know that I have no one at the same time. I know I'm loved, but I also know not enough. I know I'm cared for, but I know I don't feel it often. I know all these things and yet I still think I'm meaningless in the world.

Sure, my family will be sad but they'll move on. Sure, my friends will notice but it won't hold them back. Sure, those I love could really hurt but I could also make sure they never find out. Those who have truly meant the most to me could never find out, and if they never did then how could they hurt?

So really when I think about it that way, what's the hold up?

The only thing is I'm truly afraid. I'm afraid what if one day I'll be truly happy and I just gave up before then. But also at the same time I feel like I've been just waiting and waiting to be truly happy for so long, what if it'll never come? I'm afraid what if I'm right? What if I truly don't hold much of an impact to the world, no one to remember me by, a name to be forgotten, memories to fade.

I'm afraid that everything I tell myself in my lowest moments are actually true. Maybe if I tried a little harder I could change that, Maybe if I tried a little longer I could be happy, Maybe if I just kept going then I'll be better and things will get better.

But do I really wanna rely on those maybe's that I have been for years? 

Or maybe I should just stop being afraid, maybe I should face my fears, maybe I should finally just go.